My mind, my thoughts, my words

LDR – loving across the ocean

I’ve never really written about my relationship before and I wasn’t planning on doing so coz some stuff really isn’t anyone else’s business, but then 1) I feel like writing about this today to get it off me 2) people tell me I don’t have boundaries, so I’m just living up to my ‘stereotype’ and 3) maybe some souls out there can relate to this, and it’s always nice to relate to people.

The Numbers: My boyfriend and I met almost a year ago whilst hiking and thus spent 3 months together for pretty much 24/7. Then I had to go back to uni whilst he kept on tramping. After 1 1/2 months we saw each other for 1 week, then again 1 month apart, 1 week together (revision), 1 week apart (exams), 1 month together (holidays), 1 month apart (holiday job), and again 1 week together. At least we were in the same country. Then however my exchange year was up and I had to go back to my home university which is based on another continent. He eventually moved country, but didn’t come any closer and is still 6542 km far away! This is the longest time we’ve been apart so far – 3 months. So, in a year’s time, we were together for 4 1/2 months and apart for 6 1/2 months (I know this doesn’t add up to 12, I must have used up a month in rounding numbers up and down). In three weeks, I’m going to see him for 1Β month (winter holidays), and then I’ve got one semester left, I don’t even wanna think about how little we’ll see each other then.Β 

The LDR: I think we both knew quickly that we wanted to try, and despite it being awful, we stuck around.

  • The Goodbye: The worst. I always cry. It’s horrible to know that this might be the last kiss for… you may not even know.
  • First week: Surprisingly, not that bad at all. I sometimes felt a bit bad for not feeling bad and missing my bf. But, that doesn’t last long…
  • Then: Ups and downs. Sometimes, you miss them so much. Especially when I’d speak to him or see him on skype/google hangouts, look at photos, videos, etc. Other times, you just live your life as normally as you can, what else can you do anyway.
  • The Reunion: Strange and beautiful. You’re so excited and nervous. And then there they are again. At first it’s a bit weird, like you’re being intimate with a stranger, because in some (the physical) way they have become some sort of stranger.

The contact: Let’s say, some people are better others are worse at keeping an LDR alive. I’d say that I’m good at it, I try to do little things to integrate myself into his life a little and for him not to forget me ;). My bf however, well, he may have less time on his hands, but even if he did, he’d still be a bit ‘lazy’, i.e. I can be happy to get replies to my messages. At least the video-chatting works fine lol. My boyfriend on the other hand says that I am bad at LDR, whereas he’s good at it because he ‘just accepts it and gets on with life’, that’s about how he put it. Well.
Sometimes I get really mad at him for no apparent reason, maybe because he didn’t reply to one of my messages. Trivial stuff, really. Maybe that’s my way of letting out my frustration about him not being here!? Whatever the issue, the moment I see him online I forget about it and can’t suppress a big loving smile.
The worst and biggest enemy of LDR is miscommunication. If you have an ‘argument’ it might bug you for hours or even days i.e. until you get to chat to each other again. If you were together in the same place, you could just have make-up sex. Which brings me to the next topic…

Physical: Yeah, that’s the problem, it doesn’t really exist in LDRs. You can send each other selfies (it’s a bit odd when guys do that which is why they don’t normally do it even though it would be fun), have phone or skype sex (which we haven’t had yet due to freaking time zones, flatmates, no internet in my flat… bad timing!), but nothing can replace the actual touch of them. It freaking sucks and there’s nothing you can do about it! If you’re desperate for approval by guys or for physical contact, get close friends to cuddle with or become a stripper. The latter might not be to the liking of your boyfriend. Or try an ‘open LDR’ – seeing others whilst apart – if you’re both comfortable with that (personally I think that would be a terrible idea though).

Forgetting: Not hearing from each other as much as you normally would, not seeing each other in 3D, and not being able to touch, feel and smell another has bad consequences, like forgetting. I hope it’s not just me! I can’t really recall what he smells like, I can’t tell how much taller he is than me, and I forget things like how many spoons of sugar he takes in his coffee. I feel kinda bad about that, but what can I do! The brain works in mysterious ways. I make myself look at photos etc to remind myself of me being in a relationship, of him being my special someone, of him actually existing, of the memories we created together (way too few). And that makes me think about…

The Future: I am writing this today because I am scared. Because it’s been nearly three months. Am I gonna see him and feel like he’s a stranger? Is the magic going to be gone? And the hell, what am I gonna do if it is, change my uber-expensive flight? And why am I even thinking about this? (because I haven’t skyped with him in a few days!?) We talk about what we’re going to do once I’m done with uni, and now I wonder; how can he be so sure about me if we’ve only really been together for 4 1/2 months? The thing is though, being apart doesn’t mean that you’re not together. At times I felt like I got to know him better over distance in some way, because most of what you can do is talk. Which is also a problem, because sometimes you just run out of things to talk about and I’d wonder: do we not have anything left to say to each other? Women and their overthinking! Strangely tough, when I have him on video or when we s/text, all my fears and doubts are blown away and all there is left is excitement and desire to see him again. All those worries may be my brain trying to protect me because LDRs are strenuous, but in the end, I know it’s worth it, because there’s no one else like him! And who knows what the future brings anyway, let me just enjoy him as long as I want to and can enjoy him πŸ™‚


5 comments on “LDR – loving across the ocean

  1. ldr13

    I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect that he replies to your messages; I would be upset if my boyfriend didn’t reply to mine especially since I don’t take up much of his time considering I live 3,000 miles away :p. Although we rarely fight did have a couple small tiffs about him being late for our Skype dates… boys are generally not quite as good with communication as girls but we talked about it and things are good. In fact he’s been early for our Skype chats/dates this past week probably to make up for it :p. I also do send him more letters/surprises than he sends me but he does make an effort to send things and I appreciate when he does; I know it’s not because he loves me any less than I love him, it’s just cause he’s a guy lol. And he makes up for it in other ways like always driving to wherever he needs to to get a signal so he can message me (he’s constantly moving from base to base often without an internet signal).

    Also, I wouldn’t be too nervous about seeing each-other again; you guys have spent almost a year together even if not all of it was spent together. I’ve only spent 2 weeks with my boyfriend and I could not be more excited to be with him for a month at Christmas after almost 6 months without seeing each-other. The first time we met it was like meeting a stranger, but I know this time it won’t be; this time I’ll be visiting the man I’ve fallen in love with. I’m sure things will be great when you finally get to see your man again too!

    Also, as far as the physical stuff goes; it sounds very challenging having that much time difference plus no internet… how do you do it!?!? If you check out my page “LDR sexy time” there’s a few ways to keep things intimate from afar and some won’t even involve internet, so feel free to check it out if you like!

    Best wishes to you and your significant other πŸ™‚ xo

    • G

      It’s really nice to read about someone else’s experiences. And I agree, my boyfriend does little things now and then which maybe means a lot more than if he did it all the time πŸ˜‰
      Wow, 6 months, that’s tough! Any idea how much longer you’ll have to do with ldr?
      I’ll check out your blog, thanks πŸ™‚

      • ldr13

        My boyfriend is in the army although he hasn’t been deployed anywhere (hope he never gets deployed anywhere!) so he’ll be doing that for another 3 years so I’m guessing we will do LDR for the next 3 years or so, seeing each other 2-3 times a year (about 8 weeks a year) and then one of us will move. If we really can’t stand it maybe I’ll move there til he’s done :p. He tells me I should just move there now but it would be such a big change and I don’t wanna mess anything up for us… I think taking things slow will make it easier to adjust later on.

        It’s so funny that alot of people are used to having their significant other near them all the time and are afraid of long distance but all we know is long distance and things are so great that I’m afraid to ruin it by living near each other :p.

        I think it makes it alot easier being able to see an end in sight though; of course no one wants to do this forever. Do you know when you guys will be able to close the distance? πŸ™‚

  2. G

    Yes, that is strange indeed. Even though we lived together for a while and it worked really well, I keep thinking that by not living together we do avoid a lot of possible conflicts which might ‘ruin’ what we have.
    I could never do this if I didn’t know when this was going to end. 3 years – again, wow. I don’t think I could do it, I find it very stressful at times and three months in one go is already torture. So yeah, luckily we know that once I’m done with uni next May we’ll hopefully be able to be together again. As I won’t have a job after graduation I’ll be flexible to go anywhere πŸ˜‰

  3. ldr13

    May isn’t too far away, I’m sure it will be here before you guys know it πŸ™‚ goodluck with everything!

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This entry was posted on 21/11/2013 by in Miscellaneous and tagged , , , , , , .
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