My mind, my thoughts, my words

Back to the Past

I went into the living room and said to my flatmate: I wish I could be reborn. As in like, still be myself but differently. Be the self that I would like to be but seem to be unable to change to.

His reply: Well I’d just go back in time and be my own mentor, tell myself off when I’m about to do stupid stuff.

Me: Indeed, that would solve all your problems, and maybe you’d then turn out the person you’d like to be.

He: You should write a story about that. Be that your project. (We’ve got holidays now and I was complaining about not having a ‘thing’ to distract me from boredom and exam revision (apart from all the things that I’ve been wanting to do for ages but never had time to. I guess after the following ‘story’ I shall make these my projects)).

I guess it’s easiest to start with the most recent stuff I wish I had and probably should have done differently.
Of course there are some things I won’t write about – I wouldn’t mind if not one or two of my friends knew about this blog – probably a little too personal 😉 But here some points – even if I can’t change my past and should accept it and just move on, maybe someone else can learn from my mistakes…

  • I would tell myself to ask the other guy: “So, what do you want? What’s this for you? Just a one-night thing, a two-night thing, a possible more-night thing, or maybe more than a thing?” before just jumping into it… (well probably not easy to understand if you don’t know more to that story, but seriously, that’s another story, I’m sure you get the gist of it. It’s better to get things clear before they become unclear, especially if you then end up feeling like you can’t make it clear anymore because that person made their own assumptions and you’re scared they might not get your right if you tried to explain to them that you’d have been up for, say anything even a casual whatever, whilst they thought you might be seeking for the more-of-a-thing thing and then just say so to win them ‘back’ because you’re desperate or something. I’m going off the tangent and I’ve probably lost you there. Sorry! Some moaning rambling is necessary sometimes, good to have a blog!)
  • I would tell myself to think more than twice (or more than several times, i.e. sleep over it for at least a week) before emailing a guy I liked some pretty personal things to unburden my mind. It’s good to just get it off your mind and it feels kind of relieving when you know that they know the things you want them to know because you think it makes things clearer. However, 1) messages can easily be interpreted in the wrong way – they neither see your face, nor hear your voice, and you don’t have the chance to expand on things that might be unclear to them, 2) most guys (at least of those that I know) are bad in replying and you might just get disappointed by either no reply or a short and disappointing one – so talking is everything. Sure, writing is much easier but if you’re really uneasy, just ‘prepare a speech’ to facilitate your talking. How bad is it to open yourself up to someone and then never get a reply or so? Unless you’re after this disappointment still brave enough to ask the person to meet up to chat, you might end up just being mad at yourself for writing the message and thus maybe not ever having the chance to get a response… yeah, I’m losing my train of thought again.
  • I would tell myself: If you don’t make it complicated, it won’t be complicated! And I have no clue whether that would help me at all… and whether a situation is complicated or not does probably not depend on one person alone anyway. I wish people could just honestly say what’s on their minds, not bluff around, just be straightforward and clear – that would probably solve some complications at least. Unfortunately though, speaking of my own experiences, sometimes you just don’t know what it is that is one your mind/making the situation complicated. Sometimes I feel something but don’t know what it is, how to explain it and put it into words… oh dear… this is getting complicated 😉

There’s much more that I ‘regret’ and would have done differently. These are three points that I can think of right now and that others might take something away from (and I also think I should stop here because, as you can see, every point could on its own evolve to an entire proper long post).

The moral of this story: Spilled water is hard to pick up (unless you’re going at it with a straw – my flatmate :D). Don’t waste your time thinking about the things you wish you had done differently, you learn from your mistakes, make the best out of the now. And it’s mostly never just down to you anyways, there’s always more people to the story…

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This entry was posted on 07/04/2012 by in Academia, Miscellaneous, Psychological Issues and tagged , , , , , , .
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